One of each
My cousin's sister-in-law had a BBQ and although we knew none of them, we were invited. After a few glasses of wine and numerous pickled mushrooms, I was trying to get Will to sleep. I sat in the back bedroom in an old rocker and nursed him, looking down the long hallway through the door that was open just a crack. I felt very peaceful and then I saw a flurry of activity. I focused my eyes and it was Charlie ducking into his new little girlfriend's bedroom to play. It struck me that not too long ago, he was the one I was nursing, and I could barely imagine him walking, talking, or playing with a girlfriend so independently. And in spite of my recent maternal urges for one more baby, I suddenly felt complete. These are my two boys and that is enough – I can't imagine it any other way.
When you are pregnant again, people assume that you want the unborn child to be the opposite gender from your first. When I was pregnant with Will, I felt guilty admitting that I wanted a girl, but it was true.
Which brings me to ask myself why it is that I think I want or need one of each. I think about things my mom and I did together, and discussions that we had, and I realize my version of parenting Will and Charlie will be different. But is this a bad thing, or is it just different? Will the boys really want me to take them shopping for their prom attire? I don't know, maybe. Will I talk to them about sex and what I believe is right and wrong? Yes, but should it really be any different than what I would say to a girl? Will they give me all the juicy details of their first kiss like I did with my mom? Probably not, but do I really need to know? Will they want to spend Christmases with us when they are married, or will they join their wives' families, like so many men that I know do? (I don't have the answer; that is still an actual concern in my mind). And the most shallow yet thought-about question of all: will they go shopping with me?
No, probably not. But do I really care anymore? Was it really healthy that my mom lived through me in this way anyway? Maybe in ten years I should be shopping with my girlfriends.
My self-questioning began a couple months ago when I had the following discussion with a daycare girl:
Me: Say, Melanie, I like your headband.
Melanie: Thank you. It is pink. My mom bought it for me because I have a pink skirt which also has white stripes in it, and I almost got the one with the little black stripes to match my other skirt, but then I realized I have a hair ribbon that actually matches better, and my mom got me some black shoes to go with those – you know, the ones with those velcro on them that I wore last week? But anyway, when we were shopping we found a sweater that was just like my friend Lucy's, so she got me one to match hers, but Lucy doesn't have the same headband as me so I told her mom I think she should get her one.
Except it took like five minutes to get all the details out. There was some stuttering and long pauses involved. And I felt compelled to sit and listen, which meant all the other things I needed to get done were just waiting in time for me to get there. It was a real clarifying moment.
This is not to say that if I were to ever become pregnant with a girl, I would be filled with dread at the horribly boring and drawn-out stories about hair ribbons. I would love a girl as much as I do my boys. But I don't feel I need one to fill any needs anymore.
Except for the Christmas thing.
My cousin's sister-in-law had a BBQ and although we knew none of them, we were invited. After a few glasses of wine and numerous pickled mushrooms, I was trying to get Will to sleep. I sat in the back bedroom in an old rocker and nursed him, looking down the long hallway through the door that was open just a crack. I felt very peaceful and then I saw a flurry of activity. I focused my eyes and it was Charlie ducking into his new little girlfriend's bedroom to play. It struck me that not too long ago, he was the one I was nursing, and I could barely imagine him walking, talking, or playing with a girlfriend so independently. And in spite of my recent maternal urges for one more baby, I suddenly felt complete. These are my two boys and that is enough – I can't imagine it any other way.
When you are pregnant again, people assume that you want the unborn child to be the opposite gender from your first. When I was pregnant with Will, I felt guilty admitting that I wanted a girl, but it was true.
Which brings me to ask myself why it is that I think I want or need one of each. I think about things my mom and I did together, and discussions that we had, and I realize my version of parenting Will and Charlie will be different. But is this a bad thing, or is it just different? Will the boys really want me to take them shopping for their prom attire? I don't know, maybe. Will I talk to them about sex and what I believe is right and wrong? Yes, but should it really be any different than what I would say to a girl? Will they give me all the juicy details of their first kiss like I did with my mom? Probably not, but do I really need to know? Will they want to spend Christmases with us when they are married, or will they join their wives' families, like so many men that I know do? (I don't have the answer; that is still an actual concern in my mind). And the most shallow yet thought-about question of all: will they go shopping with me?
No, probably not. But do I really care anymore? Was it really healthy that my mom lived through me in this way anyway? Maybe in ten years I should be shopping with my girlfriends.
My self-questioning began a couple months ago when I had the following discussion with a daycare girl:
Me: Say, Melanie, I like your headband.
Melanie: Thank you. It is pink. My mom bought it for me because I have a pink skirt which also has white stripes in it, and I almost got the one with the little black stripes to match my other skirt, but then I realized I have a hair ribbon that actually matches better, and my mom got me some black shoes to go with those – you know, the ones with those velcro on them that I wore last week? But anyway, when we were shopping we found a sweater that was just like my friend Lucy's, so she got me one to match hers, but Lucy doesn't have the same headband as me so I told her mom I think she should get her one.
Except it took like five minutes to get all the details out. There was some stuttering and long pauses involved. And I felt compelled to sit and listen, which meant all the other things I needed to get done were just waiting in time for me to get there. It was a real clarifying moment.
This is not to say that if I were to ever become pregnant with a girl, I would be filled with dread at the horribly boring and drawn-out stories about hair ribbons. I would love a girl as much as I do my boys. But I don't feel I need one to fill any needs anymore.
Except for the Christmas thing.
posted by Andrea at 9:31 PM
3 Comments:
I just met someone who has 3 boys and is pregnant with her 4th. She has made it clear that she will be perfectly happy if it's another boy. She feels that she was meant to be a mom of boys. I think there is something special in that.
But I won't lie. I still want to have a daughter. But if I don't, that will be OK too. As everyone always says, the main thing is that they're healthy. That may be overstated, but it's true.
One more thing: I think it's great that Will and Charlie have each other. I never had a sister and I wish I had. I think it's really nice when you can have a sibling of your own sex. So, if you guys are only going to have two, I think it's nice that they each get a brother.
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just for shopping? interesting. i'd want to raise a little girl so she can take over the world. of course this is me and my childless outlook talking.
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