Please, stop hugging.
I never thought I would have to say this to another person, let alone, a child. After all, I am a lover (see my meme). I am totally cool with personal contact, and firmly believe our world needs more hugs.
But sometimes, enough is enough. I watch a daycare boy who, let's call him Cassanova, will not stop hugging everyone. He is a very sweet two-year-old. He has never had a tantrum, never thrown a toy or hit anyone, hardly cries, and does exactly what I ask of him the first time I ask. Amazing. And yet, I have to have one-on-one meetings with his parents.
He will not stop hugging everyone.
In the beginning, the problem was actually sort of dangerous. With a huge, enthusiastic, Cool-Aid smile, he would go to each of the kids and bend down a little so that his arms were level with their waists, and he would squeeze. The smile and gesture said please be my friend, I will love you forever. Each of the kids would let out an uncomfortable scream and push him away, or else burst into tears. But that wasn't the dangerous part.
The dangerous part happened when I turned away for a moment. And when I turned back around, he had that friendly smile on his face while he held a pillow. A pillow that was held firmly in place on top of my baby Will's face. While he pressed down. Hard.
I almost lost my mind. My baby could have been suffocated. He received an immediate time-out and a firm talking-to. His parents were notified at pickup. Between the three of us, we echoed "be gentle," and "no hugs - just pats."
But although he has had no access to pillows and baby Will is always within one inch of me now, I swear the problem is worse.
Like this morning when Lucy arrived, she burst into tears when she saw his friendly face. "No, no Nova," she said. I was the only one in the room who knew why she was crying. Her space had been violated by him one too many times.
And whenever Charlie sees him, he uses a gruff, Darth Vader voice reserved only for him. Nova comes within a foot of Charlie, and Charlie says, "No, Nova, I want my space please." But in the raspiest, most unfriendly voice ever.
Mikey, whenever he is gently patted by Nova, will totally shrug his shoulder away, sometimes using such force that Nova falls down. I have to remind Mikey, he was being gentle. Chill.
The little 22-month-old just runs and says nooooo sometimes when he sees him.
It is very sad. My new rule is that he has to ask for a hug, and the other person can say yes or no. If they say no, he has to respect their space. But he can hug me anytime. Anytime. After all, I want him to feel accepted here. But today after I received the ninth gentle hug and the fourth very painful one, I found myself saying, "no more please. Let's just go play now."
I never thought I would have to say this to another person, let alone, a child. After all, I am a lover (see my meme). I am totally cool with personal contact, and firmly believe our world needs more hugs.
But sometimes, enough is enough. I watch a daycare boy who, let's call him Cassanova, will not stop hugging everyone. He is a very sweet two-year-old. He has never had a tantrum, never thrown a toy or hit anyone, hardly cries, and does exactly what I ask of him the first time I ask. Amazing. And yet, I have to have one-on-one meetings with his parents.
He will not stop hugging everyone.
In the beginning, the problem was actually sort of dangerous. With a huge, enthusiastic, Cool-Aid smile, he would go to each of the kids and bend down a little so that his arms were level with their waists, and he would squeeze. The smile and gesture said please be my friend, I will love you forever. Each of the kids would let out an uncomfortable scream and push him away, or else burst into tears. But that wasn't the dangerous part.
The dangerous part happened when I turned away for a moment. And when I turned back around, he had that friendly smile on his face while he held a pillow. A pillow that was held firmly in place on top of my baby Will's face. While he pressed down. Hard.
I almost lost my mind. My baby could have been suffocated. He received an immediate time-out and a firm talking-to. His parents were notified at pickup. Between the three of us, we echoed "be gentle," and "no hugs - just pats."
But although he has had no access to pillows and baby Will is always within one inch of me now, I swear the problem is worse.
Like this morning when Lucy arrived, she burst into tears when she saw his friendly face. "No, no Nova," she said. I was the only one in the room who knew why she was crying. Her space had been violated by him one too many times.
And whenever Charlie sees him, he uses a gruff, Darth Vader voice reserved only for him. Nova comes within a foot of Charlie, and Charlie says, "No, Nova, I want my space please." But in the raspiest, most unfriendly voice ever.
Mikey, whenever he is gently patted by Nova, will totally shrug his shoulder away, sometimes using such force that Nova falls down. I have to remind Mikey, he was being gentle. Chill.
The little 22-month-old just runs and says nooooo sometimes when he sees him.
It is very sad. My new rule is that he has to ask for a hug, and the other person can say yes or no. If they say no, he has to respect their space. But he can hug me anytime. Anytime. After all, I want him to feel accepted here. But today after I received the ninth gentle hug and the fourth very painful one, I found myself saying, "no more please. Let's just go play now."
Labels: childcare
posted by Andrea at 4:32 PM
12 Comments:
Maybe it is a sensory thing? It seems like sensory seeking behavior. Maybe if he had a squashy pillow just for squeezing it would help? I know you are skittish about pillows (with GOOD reason), but without some sort of sensory input, he probably won't be able to stop the behavior. Perhaps something other than a pillow for squeezing?
Kyla, That is a GREAT idea. I like the fact that the solution isn't just about "stopping" some "bad" behavior, but just finding another way to channel it.
I am going to think about what he can squeeze.
maybe a big teddy bear. I have a huge stuffed what-the-hell-am-i -supposed-to-do-with-this-f'ing -huge-stuffed-gift horse. Maybe I should use that.
Yes...maybe one that is too big for him to lift...so he can't put on top of poor Will!
I love hugs too. SF could live without them from strangers and kids. She freaks out when someone goes near her. Cassanova and SF would not get along very well...
Awwww...that's so sad. What do his parents say about the hugging?
Izzy, They tell him to ask first, and to pat gently, which he will do correctly in front of them. The second I turn my back, he is like a kid in a hug store, attacking the kid closest to him. It's amazing to me that at this age, they have to learn *everything.* Nothing is obvious, including the fact that other kids need space. I think it is his way of making friends, but he needs to realize the give and take aspect of making friends, and learn that others have preferences and boundaries. I agree, it is sad though.
Aww. Poor guy. That was a great idea that Kyla had. I hope it works - for his sake AND for yours.
My son doesn't like to be touched/hugged by anyone other than me. The oy I watch is a toucher. This frequently causes problems even though neither of them is technically doing anything wrong. It is a real problem even though it sounds ridiculous.
oy should have been "boy"
"oy" works too. As in, "oy, this is not working!"
I agree, it can be a very big deal. Kids are like adults in the sense that they have definite preferences. You wouldn't just go up to some adult you worked w/ and give them a huge hug. Kids seem to have an inherent sense of what is right and wrong. Ok, I am babbling now.
Oh, be still my heart. When our daughter was little son piled ALL the cushions in the living room on top of her. Good Christ I almost tossed him out the window. Glad your baby is ok.
Oh, that's tough..some kids justdon't seem to understand personal boundaries. maybe you could have him practice a 'tiny hug' or a gentle pat, like 3-4 times, and then reward him for the right behavior when you see it?
Hi from a fellow blogging chick, btw
Mary, mom to many
Post a Comment
<< Home