9.28.2006


I need love
I'm trying not to use my kids to fulfill my own personal needs, but I can't help it. My 6 month-old wants little to nothing to do with me. Aren't babies supposed to be cuddly, or was it just my firstborn who set up this expectation in me? And if I'd had my second one first, would I be shocked at how “needy” my first was?
Little Will woke up multiple times last night, as he has been doing lately. And his cries sound so pitiful. So being the nurturing mother and person that I am, I pick him up to cuddle him. And what does he do? He jams his sharp little elbow into my chest to push himself as far away from me as possible, while looking around the dark room to see what he can explore.
I'm being selfish. I want to cuddle with him. I feel like a desperate girlfriend. Love me, please. Just one little cuddle, admiring look, comforted nuzzle, sweet smile? Just one?
When I try to breastfeed him, his reaction is, “get that big thing out of my face right now.” Unless he is really starving, in which case he will eat quickly, finish, then sit up as quickly as possible, to explore.
This morning when he made it clear that he did not want to be comforted, I tried not to feel hurt, telling myself that everyone is different, even babies. He is his own little man with his own set of needs (like the need to be left alone, to not be held back, and to see the world).
Still, I felt unfulfilled. So when he was back asleep, I went into Charlie's big bed and cuddled up next to him. He opened his eyes, smiled at me, and curled up in a ball into my tummy, all warm and soft. And I felt satisfied at last.

5 Comments:

Blogger Cristina said...

Have you read that book called "I'll Love You Forever"? I think that's what it's called. This post reminded me of the mom who sneaks into her son's room while he's asleep to cuddle with him when he gets older and doesn't want to cuddle anymore. That book always makes me want to cry. Why can't our kids just be cuddly forever?

9:54 PM  
Blogger Andrea said...

I've never read it, but heard about it, and it sounds so sweet. It's amazing how much we can love these little guys. Did you get that it was my OLDER baby (pre-schooler Charlie) who I went to cuddle with in the middle of the night?? Will would have woken up if I cuddled up next to him, plus he is in a crib. Maybe when he is in a toddler bed and not a crib I can cuddle up next to him against his will. :)

2:15 PM  
Blogger Bea said...

Your Will is probably taking lessons from my Bub. He was all about the stiff legs and sharp elbows. When the Pie was born, I just couldn't believe the way she let her head rest so trustingly on my chest. She's still a real kisser and hugger (so far), but the good thing is that Bub has really started to learn about hugs and kisses - he's much more cuddly and affectionate now than when he was a baby or even a toddler. So while the other mothers are lamenting the loss of their cuddly babies, I feel like I've just found mine! (So there's hope for Will yet...)

9:35 AM  
Blogger Bea said...

Oh, and BTW, I just wrote an epic-length response to your comment on my most recent post. Feel free to drop by again to read my unnecessarily detailed and useless theories about introverts and extraverts!

9:36 AM  
Blogger Andrea said...

Bub,
That is interesting what you say about your Bub becoming more cuddly with age. I just went to a baby shower tonight and a fellow mom/friend said the same thing... That her 4 year-old is now so loving, says "I love you" all the time, but wanted little to do w/ her as a baby b/c she only wanted to explore. So there is hope yet.
Actually last night (when we co-slept) I got some awesome cuddles in. I woke up and felt like I was high.
I could do an entire post on intra/extraverts and the meyers-briggs tests. I'm unnecessarily obsessed. :)

7:20 PM  

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