Baby number six.
Sometimes I wonder how my career choice will affect Will, or rather, my relationship with him. I don’t regret starting a home daycare because it allows me to stay home with him and Charlie. But Will’s upbringing is already so different than Charlie’s was, and I can't help but feel that this time around is a bit inferior.
I stayed home with Charlie for a year while I went to school at night. I look back on those days with giddiness. They were truly some of the happiest days of my life. Every morning, we went to the same city park where I pushed him in the stroller, we played on the swings and fed the ducks. We took swim lessons and went to moms’ groups. We regularly went to a cafe where he got all the “cute” compliments and pulled coffee bags off the shelves while I sipped my lattes. I didn’t miss anything with him and have never had one regret.
I have these little memory snippets of his babyhood. Like how, when I was standing in line for my coffee, I had his little butt propped up on my chest, so he could be high and look forward. I made a kissing noise at his cheek, and, with his thumb still in his mouth and looking straight ahead, and without missing a beat, he very deliberately leaned his cheek into my lips so that he could more fully receive my kiss.
So many times, when Will is doing cute things, my mind is racing with all the things I need to do. Refill Lucy’s milk cup, finish grating cheese, get whatever it was I put in the microwave out of the microwave so that microwave stops beeping, tend to Charlie in the bathroom while he screams for me, give cat his milk or at least kindly shove him outside the kitchen, take a few bites of food before I faint, and clean as I go so it is not a sty tonight. While I am thinking all this, I realize Will is doing his native American “ah ah ah” sound whereby he puts his fist to his mouth and with the back and forth motion, gets my attention. I look at him and realize he has been screaming/fussing for the last 10 minutes, but I have been tuning him out. And with a cute smile on his face, he has learned that by making this noise, I will stop and look at him. He is literally leaning out of his chair smiling at me, so happy to have grabbed my attention. I stop and smile back. Still, I wonder how many times he wants my attention but is not successful.
What am I missing?
How many times did he figure something out while I was tending to someone else? What clues did he exhibit on his face that told how he felt about Lucy and Nova and Mikey? Is he awestruck? Annoyed? Oblivious? How many times did he try to sign or talk but I was too busy wiping a butt or giving a time-out to notice?
It’s like I went from having one child to having six, except the second baby never really had a chance to be a baby by himself, or even sorta by himself.
At the end of this week, he will be 11 months old. I am stunned. I cannot believe his babyhood is almost over. Charlie’s babyhood went on forever. I took in every detail and made each week last a month. Will’s has flown by as I have thought about how to make ends meet, how to turn this into a preschool atmosphere, how to fill remaining spots and then keep them filled, how to get everyone to take decent naps so I can recharge. So many outside details that have nothing to do with him, that I wonder what I have missed. And I wonder what details of his life I will remember that have to do only with him.
Sometimes I wonder how my career choice will affect Will, or rather, my relationship with him. I don’t regret starting a home daycare because it allows me to stay home with him and Charlie. But Will’s upbringing is already so different than Charlie’s was, and I can't help but feel that this time around is a bit inferior.
I stayed home with Charlie for a year while I went to school at night. I look back on those days with giddiness. They were truly some of the happiest days of my life. Every morning, we went to the same city park where I pushed him in the stroller, we played on the swings and fed the ducks. We took swim lessons and went to moms’ groups. We regularly went to a cafe where he got all the “cute” compliments and pulled coffee bags off the shelves while I sipped my lattes. I didn’t miss anything with him and have never had one regret.
I have these little memory snippets of his babyhood. Like how, when I was standing in line for my coffee, I had his little butt propped up on my chest, so he could be high and look forward. I made a kissing noise at his cheek, and, with his thumb still in his mouth and looking straight ahead, and without missing a beat, he very deliberately leaned his cheek into my lips so that he could more fully receive my kiss.
So many times, when Will is doing cute things, my mind is racing with all the things I need to do. Refill Lucy’s milk cup, finish grating cheese, get whatever it was I put in the microwave out of the microwave so that microwave stops beeping, tend to Charlie in the bathroom while he screams for me, give cat his milk or at least kindly shove him outside the kitchen, take a few bites of food before I faint, and clean as I go so it is not a sty tonight. While I am thinking all this, I realize Will is doing his native American “ah ah ah” sound whereby he puts his fist to his mouth and with the back and forth motion, gets my attention. I look at him and realize he has been screaming/fussing for the last 10 minutes, but I have been tuning him out. And with a cute smile on his face, he has learned that by making this noise, I will stop and look at him. He is literally leaning out of his chair smiling at me, so happy to have grabbed my attention. I stop and smile back. Still, I wonder how many times he wants my attention but is not successful.
What am I missing?
How many times did he figure something out while I was tending to someone else? What clues did he exhibit on his face that told how he felt about Lucy and Nova and Mikey? Is he awestruck? Annoyed? Oblivious? How many times did he try to sign or talk but I was too busy wiping a butt or giving a time-out to notice?
It’s like I went from having one child to having six, except the second baby never really had a chance to be a baby by himself, or even sorta by himself.
At the end of this week, he will be 11 months old. I am stunned. I cannot believe his babyhood is almost over. Charlie’s babyhood went on forever. I took in every detail and made each week last a month. Will’s has flown by as I have thought about how to make ends meet, how to turn this into a preschool atmosphere, how to fill remaining spots and then keep them filled, how to get everyone to take decent naps so I can recharge. So many outside details that have nothing to do with him, that I wonder what I have missed. And I wonder what details of his life I will remember that have to do only with him.
Labels: Will
posted by Andrea at 7:15 PM
4 Comments:
I don't think having all of these extra kids around is a bad thing for your baby. Look at all of the socialization he's getting. All of that great baby brain food. Yes, different baby brain food from your first, but some great stuff nonetheless!
Oh Red! We all feel guilty about something, especially the SECOND time around even without all the "extras" added in. I feel guilty that BubTar didn't get me the same way that KayTar does. I couldn't be home for his babyhood. And even now that I am, things can be so KayTar-centric sometimes. I think you are doing the best thing for your children. Honestly, I do. The guilt is probably going to come and go...but remember, in spite of it, that you ARE doing the best thing for your family. Things are different for Will, but different doesn't always mean bad.
PS-I've missed you! *lol*
Likely you feel bad but he's becoming a wonderfully socialized and happy dude.
I am the baby in my family with 3 other siblings. My mom made maintained beautiful records and cute albums of my sister (the firstborn). By the 2nd my mother made the effort to purchase the book but left it incomplete, with the 3rd even more incomplete. For me, no cutesy albums noting my every babyhood achievemment... and i'm totally normal. don't be hard on yrself. you have the amazing opportunity to spend the day with both of your children. the alternative would mean you miss even more!
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