10.06.2006

So This is Where Junior High Begins
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I used to think that I would like all kids equally well. After all, they are kids. While they have different attributes, they all have cute voices, say funny things, get easily excited, and are special in their own ways.

But I think about past jobs that I have had. Jobs with adults. I have not been equally compatible with all of them. Some people made me feel smart and funny. Some made me feel angry and vicious. Some made me feel small. Others grated my nerves like a scared cat on hardwood floors. So why would I assume that all kids would be equally likable to me?

I feel so guilty admitting this. After all, I provide care to people's children for a living. I think about how I felt when I needed to return to work and leave my child with someone else. I had found an excellent provider for Charlie when he was just over a year, and even though I fully trusted her, I also knew that she would not treat him as I would. I gave her a two-page, single-spaced list of his preferences and dislikes, hoped and prayed that she could get him to sleep like I did, and called a few times a day to check up on him (she must have hated me). My trust was so fully in this one person. I really needed her to love him, or at least make him feel secure and happy, and she did.

So how dare I not relish another person's child? I cannot help it. My preferences don't make the child any less lovable as a person (or any less happy here, as her parents tell me); it just means that we are not as compatible as we could be. If the two of us met as adults, we would probably not hang out.

Today was Friday, and Fridays are the worst. All the kids miss their parents, are on edge, act up, are less likely to share, act wild. Even Charlie, who is at home all day with me, went up to me today and was acting very funny and mumbling a little. I got on his level and asked him what he wanted. And he took his long Uncle Sam finger, pointed it in my face, and said, “I want you, mommy.” So I sat down and held him for awhile. Fridays are when all the kids realize that they want their mommies (and in Charlie's case, his mommy all to himself).

But back to my original point. There is one little girl here who I have to work at loving. She is so emotional. Like today when she took someone's toy and I corrected her, she lied down flat on her stomach and let out mind-altering screams. Later, she was standing on a chair, so I asked her nicely to get down. Again, high pitched banshee screams. Moments later she was fine, but put herself into a handstand (yes, a real one), just inches away from baby Will. I asked her not to do that, and again, another blood-curdling series of screams. When she was done with that round, she decided, for the twentieth time that day, that she really missed her mommy, and then she screamed about that an absurd amount of time. Screaming that I could not comfort away and that made everyone in the room feel uncomfortable.

And then there are the moments of her just being mean. Today, she was looking out the window waiting for her mommy to come, and a little boy decided to stand next to her to wait for his mommy too, and in a very mean voice, she leaned in real close to him and screamed, “NO, MY MOMMY!” The little boy walked away, looking crushed and confused. Sometimes when I redirect her mean behavior, she gives a certain expression which brings me back to 1988. It communicates only one thing to me: screw you. I didn't learn how to give that look until I received it myself in junior high.

I know I'm not taking about anything new here: tantrums, dirty looks, yelling at others, freaking out over things of little consequence — this is the life of a toddler. If I include my own Charlie, who has had his share of temper tantrums, I have watched ten kids over the age of two. No one has been quite as emotional as her — not even close. (She is also the only girl I have watched, a very odd coincidence, and I am not sure if her gender is related to her being so emotional. Being that my sample size for girls is only one, I won't draw any conclusions there.)

Now, misbehaving I can handle. If a child hits someone with a toy, the toy toes into a time-out. If a child is mean to others, they can be redirected to play elsewhere. If a child hits, they get a time-out. But constant crying? I asked a bunch of my daycare provider friends about this behavior. Is it normal? Should I coddle her? Comfort her? Ignore her? Punish her?

The consensus is this: crying excessively for no reason or to manipulate is not desirable behavior. People who cry excessively don't tend to make many friends later in life. And while the toddler years are the most emotional ones, toddlers should still be taught to use words instead of screaming, to cry in the next room when it involves disturbing, high-pitched sounds, and sometimes, just to suck it up.

So I took the advice of my daycare provider friends and, when her crying was truly for no reason, started telling her that she was welcome to cry... in the next room. It sounded mean at first. But then it didn't. After all, why should everyone else in the room have to stop talking, stop playing, stop pretending and laughing, and stop enjoying their day in general because one person wants to absolutely freak out over absolutely the lamest thing in the world?

So I started doing that. After a quick hug I started to say, “it's ok to cry, but do that in the next room.” Later, it became just, "next room, please." And when she is crying too loud to hear my explanation, I take her hand and she takes it away from me, running herself into the next room. She knows exactly what to do.

You know what? Nine times out of ten, as soon as she sees me with that “on no you didn't” expression, she wipes the tears off her face and starts playing again. When she does go into the next room to cry, she comes back approximately 4 to 30 seconds later, and tells me, proudly, “I done crying.”

In spite of those semi-successes, I absolutely hate these days. Today I was sweaty, my heart was pounding, and I was irritable with even the good and sweet kids, which really made me sad.

But I know that this is Charlie's very first glimpse into real life. We can't always choose the people we work and play with. We have to learn to work with others. And each day I eagerly await the clock striking 5:00 when I take both my boys into my arms for a very quiet, normal evening together.

4 Comments:

Blogger Kyla said...

That is a good trick. My son is prone to dramatic displays of emotion around the house when corrected...and he is welcome to cry for as long as he feels necessary...in his room with the door shut. We don't tolerate him screaming angrily, even in his room...but he is allowed to cry until his dramatic little heart is content. Usually he sucks it up as soon as I point to his room and says "See, I stopped crying!" :)

11:55 AM  
Blogger Cristina said...

I think it is perfectly normal to tend to like some kids over others. The key is that you don't treat one kid better than another just because you like one a little more than another. That's part of what makes you a good provider.

Re. the screaming tantrums that you described, I was reminded of a story that my mom would always tell about my brother. Once when he was four, he had a horrible, screaming tantrum (as was his usual way - he screamed an awful lot on a regular basis apparently). Anyway, this particular time, it was really bad and he screamed his head off so long that my mom finally caved in and gave him whatever it was he wanted. Well, immediately his tears dried up and he went up to my dad and said in his little 4-year-old voice, "I know how to get what I want. Sometimes it takes a little time and sometimes it takes a longer time."

My dad said he was shocked and never forgot it. It was an early lesson that little kids (as cute and innocent as they SEEM) can really be as manipulative as the rest of us!

It sounds like you're doing a great job setting her straight early when she brings on the fake tears!

9:31 PM  
Blogger Andrea said...

Kyla - I am glad to hear other people are strict about that kind of thing. When I first heard the advice to "let" (or shall I say, "make") them cry elsewhere, i thought it was mean. But now it is the ONLY thing that seems right. I am glad to hear you guys don't think I am mean.

7:36 PM  
Blogger Andrea said...

MoTR, I agree totally about not giving one of the kids preferential treatment. They all need to feel that I like them equally!!

7:37 PM  

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