Personality is inborn. End of story.
In college I was a huge believer in the power of nurture in the nature/nurture debate. Women are conditioned, via parental upbringing, the media, culture, and religion to be submissive and to care for others, and men are taught to be strong and stoic.
I do still believe all of this. But I have been surprised to see that personality traits begin at a very young age, leading me to believe that nurture isn't exactly 100% responsible for who we are, or even 85% responsible. Before a kid can even poop on the potty or be aware that there is actual poop in their pants, they make their personalities known.
Lucy is testing me again, and I am finally understanding what it is that bugs me. It is not the undeniable symptoms of two-year-old-hood. I watch other two-year-olds, and their tantrums hardly phase me. It is her total brazen-ness.
Take Friday. Another two-year-old hit someone. He got a time-out. Before it was over, he started to repeat, "I sorry... I sorry..." I let him out, and without being asked, he went and hugged his victim.
Ok, maybe he is especially sweet for a toddler. Bad example.
Take Charlie. He was shaking Will in his Jumperoo. Shaking him. Causing Will's neck to go back and forth. I ran to the scene and made him stop. With me still kneeling next to him, he started to put his hand out and shake it again. I threatened a time-out. He started to shake it, though softly -- totally testing me. I made him look into my eyes. "Will's neck is going to get hurt if you do that." He thought for a moment. Then he tilted his head to one side, turned on his high-pitched falsetto and said, "Oh Will. Don't get hurt. I won't hurt you."
So - see? They can all be extremely naughty. But there is a sweet interior and concern for others. And Lucy has it too, but it is buried very, very deeply under the burning desire to communicate naughty bad words with those razor sharp eyes.
Last week I gave her a time-out for hitting. When it was over, I got down on her level. Usually at this point, a kid will either look defiant (really, asking to stay in time-out longer), or they will look a little ashamed and sad. She does neither. Instead, in the split second of waiting for me to say my usual words, she takes a big step toward me until she is one millimeter from my face, slowly sticks out her lower lip, and squints her eyes at me until they look through my eyes and into the back of my brain.
Where the hell would a two-year-old learn this?
This is a good place to add that I adore her parents. They are so nice. They are smart and I respect how they treat her and others.
So between the three of us, her sassiness has not been conditioned. And I remind myself constantly that she will probably grow up to be assertive and successful. Maybe a Hillary Clinton or Nancy Pelosi.
But in the meantime, this sucks.
In college I was a huge believer in the power of nurture in the nature/nurture debate. Women are conditioned, via parental upbringing, the media, culture, and religion to be submissive and to care for others, and men are taught to be strong and stoic.
I do still believe all of this. But I have been surprised to see that personality traits begin at a very young age, leading me to believe that nurture isn't exactly 100% responsible for who we are, or even 85% responsible. Before a kid can even poop on the potty or be aware that there is actual poop in their pants, they make their personalities known.
Lucy is testing me again, and I am finally understanding what it is that bugs me. It is not the undeniable symptoms of two-year-old-hood. I watch other two-year-olds, and their tantrums hardly phase me. It is her total brazen-ness.
Take Friday. Another two-year-old hit someone. He got a time-out. Before it was over, he started to repeat, "I sorry... I sorry..." I let him out, and without being asked, he went and hugged his victim.
Ok, maybe he is especially sweet for a toddler. Bad example.
Take Charlie. He was shaking Will in his Jumperoo. Shaking him. Causing Will's neck to go back and forth. I ran to the scene and made him stop. With me still kneeling next to him, he started to put his hand out and shake it again. I threatened a time-out. He started to shake it, though softly -- totally testing me. I made him look into my eyes. "Will's neck is going to get hurt if you do that." He thought for a moment. Then he tilted his head to one side, turned on his high-pitched falsetto and said, "Oh Will. Don't get hurt. I won't hurt you."
So - see? They can all be extremely naughty. But there is a sweet interior and concern for others. And Lucy has it too, but it is buried very, very deeply under the burning desire to communicate naughty bad words with those razor sharp eyes.
Last week I gave her a time-out for hitting. When it was over, I got down on her level. Usually at this point, a kid will either look defiant (really, asking to stay in time-out longer), or they will look a little ashamed and sad. She does neither. Instead, in the split second of waiting for me to say my usual words, she takes a big step toward me until she is one millimeter from my face, slowly sticks out her lower lip, and squints her eyes at me until they look through my eyes and into the back of my brain.
Where the hell would a two-year-old learn this?
This is a good place to add that I adore her parents. They are so nice. They are smart and I respect how they treat her and others.
So between the three of us, her sassiness has not been conditioned. And I remind myself constantly that she will probably grow up to be assertive and successful. Maybe a Hillary Clinton or Nancy Pelosi.
But in the meantime, this sucks.
Labels: childcare, crazymaking
posted by Andrea at 6:30 PM
9 Comments:
Yup!
You wanna praise them for their individuality and their moxie. But first you wanna slap them silly. (I know you'd never do that)
My daughter (almost 3 going on 33) tests me daily. I admire her strenght but really hate when she does that.
I admire you for taking on other people's moxie.
so far I have just about remembered not to say "well, fine, fuck you, too!" at those moments.
sometimes i worry that i'm thinking it too loudly though.
and i shouldn't really be thinking it at all. I should be reminding myself that it's good she'll grow up to be assrtive and successful, and that this testing me is really learning stuff.
but, by crikey, it's hard!
It is hard to raise kids that are assertive enough to be successful, but not so assertive that it is difficult to parent/be around them. I think a lot of kids behavior is something they are born with. I have four kids, and three of them are exactly the same, and one is very different. The one that has a twin, so I know I raised them the same so far.
My little sister in law is this way (she is 5). When she gets in trouble, she REFUSES to cry. She sucks it in, stands tall, looks you right in the eye...and when it is all over, she will go to the bathroom and quietly cry so nobody knows. She won't let you have the satisfaction of knowing she cares. And it was definitely an inborn trait.
Kyla, How interesting! Do they tell her not to cry? With this little girl, she will cry passionately, scream, wail, etc. And when she isn't crying, she will look me straight in the eye and give a dirty look. Ah, the best of both worlds.
I have a friend with a very strong willed daughter. She's always saying how it will help the girl when she's older, just as soon as she learns when to listen and when to ignore. My friend is also very strong willed, and slowly but surely, she's winning the battle of wills with her daughter. She says better now than during the teen years.
It sounds like Lucy has the same brand of attitude, which will serve her well, if she can just figure out when to listen and when to assert. Which sometimes adults have trouble with. Sounds to me like she has a good bunch of adults to support her, though.
No, they don't tell her not to cry. She used to be OH-SO-DRAMATIC...in the grand fashion of Lucy. She could kill a man with her piercing wails (you know brain hemmorage and all *lol*). But one day she stopped, maybe because it didn't have the desired effect...and now she just stares you down, showing you she doesn't care what you do...she's not going to back down. But it is totally her...nobody has taught her to do.
Some of the nicest parents I know have some of the brattiest kids. I don't know how you do it and still keep a good attitude.
I agree about the personality being inborn to a large degree. Take my brother and I. Not that I'm biased or anything, but I have to say that I was the easiest, nicest, cutest, most wonderfulest baby in the whole wide world. And then there was my brother. A totally mean, fussy, cranky, high-maintenance kid. And we were only born 18 months apart so it had to be inborn. (No offense, bro. Hopefully, you're not reading this comment. :))
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